When I was 7 or 8 I started playing fastpitch softball. My sister is 18 months older than I am so, of course, I wanted to play on her team instead of the coach pitch team. My parents were all about it, my dad gave me his old glove from when he was young, they set me up with the cool “big girl” (not just a t-shirt) uniforms and sent me trotting out onto the field. The team was catching pop flies and I joined the girls in the line.
My turn came up and the coach popped the bright yellow ball into the air. I stuck my glove up, watched the ball soar so high into the sky, and almost got a little dizzy watching it. Thinking I was right on track, eyes focused, hoping my hand-eye coordination would do its job, I lined up to catch it.
That ball hit me square on the forehead.
I ran to the bench trying not to cry while someone gave me some ice. I had a golf ball sized bump on my head the next few days and was a bit more than hesitant about playing with the “big girls” after that.
I was trying to think about what to write about and this story popped into my head out of nowhere but running it through my mind again I see so many similarities. JR and I got married a little over 2 years ago. We moved to Kansas City a little over a year and a half ago. I started blogging, we figured out our routine, married life was (and is) the best, we set some financial goals, traveled, and overall had a great year last year. Everything was lining up great.
This past spring a softball dropped out of the sky and bonked me on the head. To most, the situation wouldn’t even seem like that big of a deal. Honestly, if I told you about it you would think I seriously still need to get my head checked. But it wrecked me. I stopped blogging, I stopped posting on social media. I am still mostly a chatty Kathy but I find myself lost in my thoughts a lot more than I used to. Overanalyzing, retracing my steps, thinking about what I should have, could have, would have done in so many situations. Thinking about who I am as a person, what people think of me, and if those people’s thoughts even matter.
I didn’t cry and run to the bench. I stood in the outfield dazed and unsure of what to do and where to go. For months, I froze.
I’ve been in a rough season, maybe even a self-made rut. I think I’m ready to get back in line, start catching, and move forward but I am honestly so unsure of where I am going. I have been praying consistently for God to show me my place in his plan.
The past few months I have just felt this pull. The pull that I am going to miss out if I don’t take that picture. If I don’t Instagram daily. If I don’t try to constantly and consistently promote my blog. If I don’t start a small business. If I don’t Snapchat the video. Or allow myself to believe the lie that relationships can be nurtured or conflict can be resolved through text messages. The pull that life is just going to pass me by, I’m going to be too late, and that everyone else is living in a bigger and brighter world.
That pull is false, it’s a lie. I am going to let go of the guilt of not blogging consistently. The guilt of not posting every single moment on Instagram. The guilt of not telling my friends “Happy Birthday” on Facebook. The guilt of not getting back to every single text message. The pull to start a business. And to be so busy with things in life that don’t really matter.
I want to pick up my phone to chat more. To nurture relationships with people face to face. To spend quality time with friends. And to answer my phone every time a loved one calls. I know the truth. That living on mission for God’s plan for me is the-bigger-and-brighter-than-I-could-even-imagine-life.
I am going to feel guilty if I let my own personal temptations and expectations of how my life should go get in the way of the life God has planned for me. I am not going to let others shame me for my actions or inaction but trust that I am exemplifying who God calls me to be. I am here to live for his kingdom and am going to keep my head buried in his book, my eyes focused on him, and my heart open and available to see where he leads me next.
The actual prompting of this post was to announce that JR and I are officially $59,999.05 away from being debt free! (That’s a $15,620.05 difference from when we wrote this post!) YAY!